Gathering Herbs

[Ravendarus]

Ravenstar nodded, "Alright sounds easy enough" She padded off. After a little while of searching, she smelt the air and a sharp scent reached her nose, she saw a tall stemmed thistle, with small dark leaves. She smirked and knew she and found it, she dug it up and grabbed the roots being careful not to cut it with her teeth. She carried the roots and looked for another thistle.

[mellowclaw]

Shadowleap traversed the terrain clearing away every nook and cranny till he milked the spot of its worth. This time he attempted to keep his mind entirely focused so he would not be outdone by someone who wasn't even a medicine cat. He resented her ability a little, but he just didn't like it when people hurt his pride. Whether she had meant to or not she did, and it was beginning to irk him. However only briefly did these feelings surface because he was the one to put an end to them with other thoughts. He felt childish, getting angry because his leader was thorough and adept. That was something to be glad of, but he remained disgusted with his own emotions and a tinge of bitterness lay on his tongue as he returned to Ravenstar. He promptly made his addition to the feverfew pile and waited as patiently as possible for her return.

[Ravendarus]

Ravenstar came back and added all the Burdock root she had found, she sat on the other side of the herb pile, her eyes were distant, almost as if she wasn't there, she spaced out from time to time, but it just seemed different. "Is that all?, or do we still need to find more herbs" she questioned Shadowleap.

[mellowclaw]

Shadowleap forced the lurking feeling to the back of his mind as concentrating on his duties. "Well originally I came out here to get just those three, and it is gonna stay that way. Besides its getting late and we both need our strength." Mockingly he added, "Unless you'd rather try to sleep out here in the mud. As for myself I prefer moss so follow me if that option has an odd pull to it." The black tom stretched flexing his claws tensely and immediately turned away towards camp. Once Shadowleap reached the pile of herbs he picked up the feverfew and nearly all of the burdock root. He felt certain she would understand to pick up the remaining herbs. Comically he thought about how much mallow she carried before and wondered if her jaw could get any wider.

[Ravendarus]

Ravenstar sensed his tensed feeling, it was true, She was the leader and wasn't sopposed to know this much about herbs, she decided to tell him the reason behind this when they got back, "hmph" she huffed, before grabbing the remaining herbs and followed him back to camp.

[mellowclaw]

As Shadowleap moved away from the scene of their trip, he heard his leader begin moving behind him. It was definitely good to hear she was actually following. For a moment he'd been worried by her very distant look, and wondered if she'd even heard him. His ears were perked all the way as time passed to make sure she continued to follow. The moon shined feebly down upon his pelt as if begging him for something he couldn't give. The sooner they got back to camp the better. The moon had already past the first phases of its decent and that precious little moonlight was their guide through the forest. Not that he wasn't confident in his sense of smell or the simple fact that he didn't need his eyes for it, but rather it would just be a hassle.

These and other thoughts crossed his mind as he crossed into camp through a bramble guarded tunnel with shadows dancing around its territory. He sat at the end lying in wait for his leader. Shadowleap was to promptly remind her of their promise.

[Ravendarus]

Ravenstar stopped at the entrance and took one last look at the dark pine forest which now stayed behind her, her eyes glanced at the moon, she padded into the camp and noticed the Shadowleap had actually waited.

[mellowclaw]

Statute the tom waited still and silent one task, one promise he made to himself surfacing. He knew she wouldn't enjoy what he was about to say, but he was going to say it regardless. Grinning slightly he ventured, "Two words....Poppy...Seeds. After you go out and help me fetch herbs the second we got back you'd take poppy seeds." Shadowleap smiled slyly "Get it, got it, done!" He was of course purposely agitating her to take her mind off whatever thoughts troubled her. "I'm off to fetch them so don't try and stop me, I know how you can be." He was almost certain she'd be infuriated at his petty down talk. He wondered if she'd even follow him into his den long enough for Shadowleap to administer the medicine there.

[Ravendarus]

Ravenstar was furious, but it is true a promise is a promise. She hissed outraged but followed him back to his den, although she was tempted to sneak off. She padded into the den, and instantly headed for one of the many nests in there. Ravenstar almost smiled, "You know, before you were the medicine cat, i spent alot of time in this den as a warrior, because of an injury, the old medicine cat Cloudragon taught me alot about herbs, there wasn't much else to do" she meowed, waiting for the poppy seeds.

[mellowclaw]

The coarse medicine cat was amazed to see such restraint from his leader. If he had been her there is just no way he would have taken that. It was all part of her duties though that gave her such resilience to his bothersome words. He guessed perhaps he wouldn't need to be so pushy with her after all. He felt suddenly she deserved a little more respect and was about to speak until she spoke first. The words shocked him a bit at first and he sat in his den sweet odors filling his nostrils in the depth of that silence.
"So, that explains it then. It makes perfect sense now, why you were so familiar with those herbs and how quickly you gathered them. Your quite like me, even if you would like to admit otherwise. Actually our destinies are reversed." He looked at his leader with renewed curiosity. What made her change her mind, surely it was more than nothing to do around camp.

He met her eyes trying to search for any unspoken feelings, but she was a blank sheet. "I can't completely figure you out, but then again theirs no real need to inform me. I don't like to pry, its just my nature." He turned back to his stocks of herbs reaching for the lowest shelf and pulling some wet moss filled with tiny black seeds. As he mulled over how much to give her, dabbing his paw here and there into the moss he spoke again. "Think, what if our lives had continued the way they were. I don't know your life but I can guess, and I think if they hadn't strayed from their course it would be me who was sitting right about where you are now. He couldn't deny his old lust for power as it rose through every inch of his being. He knew it showed, and if it didn't he was allowing it to. He shuddered as he could almost feel his claws raking into an enemies skin. He soon brought himself under control but that feeling stayed within him.

He grasped a paw full of seeds from the moss, eight or so and held them before his leader. He knew his place was in this den and understood what it meant when he took the job. He wouldn't betray his clan, and he didn't care if she was suspicious or not. His eyes squinted as memories filled him. "I was so different." His paw outstretched before his leader he playfully swiveled the seeds to the center as if he were holding a cup of twoleg wine. He had toned his lust down on his last few words and intended to calm down from here on out. No use in being completely distrusted.

[Ravendarus]

Ravenstar felt like something was bottled up inside her, she pushed it away and noticed him staring at her, like he was trying to read her, "Nice try, i'm not that easy to read" She hissed, She saw in his eyes the lust for power, she knew that look well, she quickly turned away. Ravenstar knew Shadowleap wasn't the type to betray his clan, But she wanted to see if he would admit it, "I see lust in your eyes, Shadowleap, being different, i know that feeling well" She looked at him her cold gaze seemed to have lightened up.


"You, although i know your not the type to betray, you may need to earn back my complete trust again" Her eyes flashed, and she turned away, "Tell me your story" she meowed.

[mellowclaw]

The tom chuckled "Well well nothing escapes you does it Ravenstar. Although I'm surprised to find you didn't notice when I was younger. What has it been now, 11 moons, yeah no mistaking it." Shadowleap was speaking half to himself in remembrance. "I grew up from the start possessed by death. My mother succumbed to it, when she gave birth to me." His voice was intensifying with every word, rage eating at him like bird on crowfood. "Do you know what they told me." He hung his head low and squinted, "It wasn't my fault. I used to wonder, I wondered for 4 moons after my birth who's fault was it then if not mine." Shadowleaps paws tensed his claws unsheathed an he tore at the ground restraining himself from giving into the full brunt of his agony. "I got my answer by watching others like her die. It had to be their fault, it was the only conclusion I a sad helpless kit of 4 moons could come to. Could you believe I actually detested my own mother, because she was to weak, and it was her fault she left me. She hadn't the strength, the desire, nor the love for me to continue living beside me. When I told the other cats they only backed away, they were afraid of me and that taboo logic."

His eyes were closed now, he could see every memory spilling over him, wetting his fur in with the nostalgia it brought. "They shied away, they were scared, I was scared. They had no explanation only silence. So I became isolated, and embraced all the pain and rage over the next two moons. I vowed to be strong and to love myself, love my strength, and to never disappoint anyone the way my mother did." Shadowleap paused briefly, realizing he sounded like a scared kit but it couldn't matter less at the moment. He took a deep breath and continued relaxing a little for his first few sentences before falling back into his emotional storm. "At first, my concept, my cause seemed almost noble. Like a code that underlined our own. However slowly I became strangled by my own noose. All I began to care about was power, and I sided with cats who were strong. Their intentions mattered a little less each day and moon. Soon I began to kill others because they were weak. From other clans of course. They couldn't be allowed to live or they would disappoint those they cared about."

"When I reached 11 moons, I was entangled in my blood lust. You were eight moons older than I was, and I was sure you'd seen it. My own sorrow, and the muddled feelings of what I called justice. I'd kill other clan cats without hesitation calling it self defense. Then I did something I didn't believe was possible. I made a mistake that My best friend, no more like a brother gave his life for me. Sharpeyes was the only cat who tried to comfort me who believed in my theory but somehow kept his anger at bay. He was like a cold fire. I was fighting loners when it happened, when I dislodged a twoleg contraption holding rocks. He saved me, and I had the pleasure of watching him die at my feet. His warm blood, the same blood that had justified me and made me strong turned against me, those feelings scared me. What got me most.. It wasn't the blood, it was the fact that I believed it was because he hadn't been strong enough. He deserved to die, and I was weaker than him. It was terrifying to know that this was supposed to be what justice was."

"I stood there unable to do anything for him." Shadowleap was in tears now. The dam had broken, and all these things he'd never told anyone spilled from him like a sudden wave. Tears streaming he yelled without concern for other sleeping cats, "I WANTED TO DIE!!! I WANTED TO RID MYSELF OF HIM, ME EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING!!!" Shadowleap was shaking now and buckled defeated and sobbing. All the previous power he'd shown before was nonexistent. He looked just like he had 18 moons ago as a kit, helpless. He buckled falling down onto his paws, unable to stand. He could not regain enough sovereignty over his mind to push further into his memories.

[Ravendarus]

Ravenstar looked at him, "hmm, i see, unfortunately i locked myself away from other cats concerns when i was an apprentice, it would seem alot has happened to you to, i listened to your story, now you will listen to mine" she meowed to him.

"When i was born, the only other kit to survive in my litter was Smallshard, my twin brother. But i never got to see my mother Darknight, for she died a few days after we were born, from blackcough. My father Shockmask loved us so much, he couldn't stand to let us know that she died, so he asked, my mothers sister Shadowdancer to be our foster mom. She rejected us, at first, but her kind mate Foxtail convinced her otherwise. She hated us growing up, Course our father still hadn't told us that she wasn't our real mom, we figured it out on our own" Ravenstar's gaze turned away.

"When we were apprenticed, me and my brother couldn't be separated, so they grouped us together with our father. On the first night the Apprentices den, many of them made fun us Because of how small we were" Ravenstar's tail flicked back and forth. her ears flattened, "I was always cold to all the other apprentices, never once had i been cold to Smallshard, he was my whole world, it was like he was a part of me." Her voice shook a little.

"One day, we were about 11 moons, my father took us out for a walk, to tour of the father area's of Shadowclan territory, we were near highstones and me and Smallpaw were goofing off, and i slipped and almost fell down the cliff side. My father rushed in to lift me up, but the edge broke and we both toppled over, he knock me into the cliff and i landed on a ledge, i watched as he fell to his death. i developed a fear of heights that day" She meowed her mind wandering almost like she wasn't really there, she was just lost, in her memories.

"But, when Smallshard and I were warriors, we went out on patrol with another warrior. We were attacked by a badger..." Her voice trailed off and she thought about that day, still explaining it as she went.

"Somethings wrong" Ravenmoon pointed out. Smallshard nodded, the two black cats looked around, but it was to late, they turned around and this huge badger was behind them. "no" Ravenmoon whispered before leaping into the air, only to get knocked away by it's giant claw. "RAVENMOON" Smallshard screamed, The other warrior ran away screaming franticly, Smallshard turned to the badger and attacked it, biting it's neck. It's cry echoed across the sky, it knocked him away, he landed a few paces away, he got up and ran to Ravenmoon.

"Ravenmoon look at me are you okay" he yelled at her, she had a huge gash on her back, she looked up at him "I'm fine just a scratch" she got up as blood pour out from her wound and stained the ground, "let's get it" she hissed, Smallshard nodded, they attacked it together.

Both fought hard, but it wasn't enough, the badger roared and knocked Ravenmoon away, her back was in bad shape and she could hardly move. Ravenmoon watched as the badger began to crush Smallshard, Slowly she blacked out.

She awoke to Smallshard right beside her, both on there sides facing each other, both badly wounded. "Smallshard" ravenmoon's voice was barely a whisper, "R-ravenmoon" Smallshard choked out, "don't leave me alone, not again, please" Ravenmoon begged him, "i'm so sorry Ravenmoon, b-but i can't promise that, remember when we were kids, do you remember what we used to say" he asked, "o-of course i do, 'Life's to important to take seriously, so if you want to waste it do it by fighting for what you believe in' how could i forget" she meowed, "yes, well i spent my life fighting for Shadowclan territory, and that's how I'll be remembered, as a protector, Ravenmoon, Goodbye doesn't mean forever, we'll see each other again, You know what they say, Beginnings are sometimes scary, Endings are sometimes sad, but it's everything in between that makes it all worth wild. We've had some good times haven't we" he laughed, "lots of good times" Ravenmoon cried.

"look the sunset, let's watch" Smallshard said as the sun started to set, "5" Smallshard meowed softly, "4" Ravenmoon followed, "3" Smallshard's voice getting smaller, "2" Ravenmoon meowed, silence followed, "Smallshard it's your turn" she turned and looked into his pale Red eyes, tears fell from her eyes, the sun had set, and she knew he was gone, she cried as she knew this was Smallshard's last sunset, Her heart broke into a hundred peices that day.


Ravenstar sighed "It was like, a part of me had been ripped out, I locked myself away from everything, and spent my time in the medicine cat's den healing, it was 3 moons before i started to speak again, although i did listen to everything Clouddragon had taught while i was there. I to wanted to die, i hated myself for letting Smallshard die, i just....couldn't bare to live without him, many times i tried to kill myself, Clouddragon prevented all of them" She chuckled a bit.

"But the day i started having nightmares, i could sleep, Cloudragon said i was an emotional wreck, and that these nightmares are nothing, But it wasn't true, the nightmares that haunt me, are the reason i won't sleep" She finished her story, her cold tone was back.

[mellowclaw]

Shadowleap struggled with himself for a time before having the strength to sit on his paws. He was immediately sucked in by her tale. He knew it must have been hard, and he hadn't the slightest in what he would do in her situation. He had never experienced any kind of love for others, at least not like the pair of them. Brother and sister, he had no siblings and yet he was sorry they could not have met sooner. Even if their was an eight moon difference he regretted not knowing her then, and truly seeing the two together. He could visualize all of it but he knew he could never experience her feelings, for they were far to intense. His leaders emotions were of different qualities and forces but the result was absolute. And could the intensities be the same as well. He watched his leader not even give in to the slightest of her pain, and so he resolved she was in the right position. "You are... So much stronger.. Than I could ever be."

"I am supposed to be your paws, the ones that guide you, and look at me I'm a mess. Your composed and I am crumbling. I tried to you know, to kill myself. I broke my own code, I couldn't kill myself when I'd killed so many others for lesser crimes. I had robbed them, a coward in my own right, by my own law which I failed to uphold. I couldn't hack it, and thats when I realized I needed to be in a place where my anger could not flourish and my lust could be burned out by constant work. I had to restore the life I had taken so many times. I was born from death lived death and now have imprisoned myself, forever tied to it. Here I could never turn against my clan, not when I am supposed to protect it, and not when I'm supposed to fight. I can do something about others who are dying now, so I can't just watch and let it happen."

"I wish I could have met you before what happened to your brother, but that is digging to deep in the past and I was only 3 moons then. I had already begun searching for my destruction. I would have liked to see that kind of connection, perhaps shared it even." His eyes held firm to his leaders now he tried to be confident, his usual self slowly being reclaimed. "Either way thats why I'm here and I could never allow myself to succumb to the same pain again. It would be bothersome. I know its difficult." He put the poppy seeds beside her moss bed and stood on all fores. "But you should still try, to sleep of course. If anyone is strong enough to reclaim fragment of what they had its you. You don't have to be pushed around by fear, not even in your sleep. Maybe some day you and I can both heal, and I'll be happy even if it might be impossible now. Their blood will always be on my hands."

"Sorry." Thats all he said, but he meant he didn't mean to bother her with his nonsense. All the emotion enveloped the tom but he had finally collected himself. "Eat them and we both might get some rest." He knew he would never be able to show to the clan what had happened here tonight. Never.

[Ravendarus]

Ravenstar nodded, "You are also strong, Stronger then you think Shadowleap" She meowed, before eating the poppy seeds, she padded back to her den. She lay on her little bed of moss and began to dream.


"Mopping won't get you anywhere" Clouddragon laughed, Ravenmoon had been in the den for 3 moons in counting, she hadn't said a word since the accident, she was laying on a moss den, she sighed heavily and nodded. Her cold distant eyes looked at him, they were full of sorrow. "Cheer up you'll be able to train soon, wouldn't Smallshard have liked that" Clouddragon asked. Ravenmoon nodded, "see, now please, for me, say something" Clouddragon begged, Ravenmoon looked at him, she shook her head, then turned her head away. "Ravenmoon" Clouddragon hissed, Ravenmoon looked at him, "I...." she trailed off, "miss him" tears crusaded down her face, Clouddragon smiled, "I know you do" he asnwered.

"But he would have wanted you to be strong, i know you've been hurt badly before, and you still are recovering from that last battle, but Smallshard would have wanted to face everything, what happened to the Stubborn, Headstrong kit that was once Ravenmoon" Clouddragon questioned, his gaze lingered on her. "She died, along with everything that was important to her" Ravenmoon mumbled, Clouddragon's ears lowered, he hated to see her this way. "No, the only thing that died was your lack of hope, you will learn to forget, and you will heal, most of your problems are in your head, you scar is healing, but your mind, it's crumbling, if you won't accept life, you'll end up with nothing, but a broken heart" Clouddragon yowled, "That's all i have right now" Ravenmoon hissed, "I've gotten nothing else to lose" She screamed at him furiously, Clouddragon almost smiled, "How come, whenever i argue with anyone else, i can win, but when it comes to you i always lose". "I always did have a sharp tongue" Ravenmoon grumbled, "True" Clouddragon laughed, Ravenmoon smirked a bit, "So what do you say, will you start training again" He asked, Ravenmoon nodded, "For Smallshard"...............

Ravenmoon smiled in her sleep, it had been along time since she's had a good dream.